Monday, October 26, 2015

Self-Doubt in Pharmacy School


When that photo you took of a pinecone comes in handy for the blog. Holla!

I am writing this post because I have recognized my flawed thinking and am turning this thing around. Right meow!!!

Over the past two weeks, my anxiety has been creeping in and taking over my confidence. Specifically, my confidence to perform academically. (???) Yeah, it's absurd. This is my sixth year of university, I think I know what I'm doing, self.

Let me give you some background. I am in unfamiliar territory, another pharmacy school's territory in fact. And because I am from a smaller school and don't have a four year undergrad, the odds are stacked against me and I am incompetent (anxiety brain logic). So, I pray about it. I've prayed about it for two weeks, which has resulted in fleeting moments of strength.

Now that I'm 'alone', my mind starts cycling and I've been feeding into negative vibes. Instead of brushing off insecurities, I've been collecting them. Somehow, I have talked myself into the title of inadequate. I struggle to finish my assignments as procrastination in the form of perfectionism takes over. I lost confidence...  I struggled with the idea of coping out of this rotation and finding something less challenging. I couldn't understand how other students had successfully completed this workload, probably excelled at it, and I could barely keep up.

Today I had a two-week review. To my dismay, I had no 'poor' or 'below averages' marked. Why would I? I'm putting in work just like everyone else. I'm doing JUST FINE! She actually peppered in some 'above average' and 'superior'! At that moment, when my preceptor was telling me "good job" and "keep it up" I knew I was on the other side of this battle. I knew I could succeed during this rotation and I was so upset that I doubted myself. Bad ego!

My friend, Britni, says that doubt is from the devil. I believe she's right. Old Lucy's at it again.1 It's like I was walking this road the whole time without the Lord. That explains why it was so difficult. I was praying but not fully believing He could help me out of this rut. Anything is possible through Him. Even completing a double rotation away from the center of my life. I can do this!

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I wanted to share this struggle in case any of you have ever felt so low and so worthless. Trust in the Lord. He will see you through. Trust your own abilities. Imma go so far to quote Drake: know yourself! You can do this. Whatever it is.

Have a great week, y'all!

Footnotes:
1. If you like rap, Kendrick has an amazing song contrasting the slyness of the devil (a beautiful melody) with the realities of his evil (the lyrics). For Sale - Kendrick Lamar [EXPLICIT] 


2 comments:

  1. Tori, I felt that way during my last rotation! You can do it and this will prepare you for future patient care and boards :) ! Thanks for sharing! You are not alone!
    -Siera

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  2. Very reassuring. I truly believe I am growing, growing, growing on this rotation! So good to hear from you :)

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