Thursday, December 10, 2015

Low

Hi everyone.

alone with anxiety


Wednesday evening, unable to move from my bed due to feeling overcome by despair:
Writing this post because I cannot think of anything else to do right now. It's a Wednesday night and I'm laying in bed paralyzed by my mood. I have traditionally pulled towards anxious tendencies but tonight I feel so low. I feel stuck in every aspect of my life. I don't feel like I'm moving forward and haven't had any AHA! experiences lately. As a newly wed I should be enthralled, and I am because I have the best best husband but everything is so hard right now. I'm barely able to talk with him since I have been on a rotation 4 hours away for 9 weeks and he has switched to PM work. This makes it difficult for us to talk and he is the only person who can really bring me out of this. I'm hesitant to talk to God for fear I'm disobeying him by following other religion's methods to enlightenment and therefore I'm hesitant to meditate. I have free time, but no motivation to work on my blog, since I'm feeling inferior after comparing myself to others. Social media is sucking my time and my confidence. I'm especially concerned because I discontinued my antidepressant this summer and felt very good until now. I have only felt this way for two days but as we progress to winter I'm concerned I can't do "it". 

Thursday evening, in a better state of mind: 
Now that I'm in a better place I'm able to reflect some. I haven't really told my 'full' story on the blog but I struggle with anxiety and mixed with a dash of depression. I went off of my medication this summer after starting CBT with an amazing therapist who I now only see once monthly. I feel particularly vulnerable not having a medication crutch, as the winter blues set in. Also, I have not yet shared my faith story but I plan to. The best I could do yesterday was put out as many SOS flags to my loved ones as I could and when they responded, it lifted me up. Last night my lifelines to happiness were speaking on the phone with my husband (safe space to release tears of frustration), then speaking with multiple friends. After that, I said a prayer and completed a tapping meditation. This allowed me to smile, get out of my bed, and do something enjoyable for me rather than remain lifeless in my bed due to the thought of making anything worse.

I realize now, that I was putting a lot of weight into worrying about what certain people might be thinking about me. I'm usually pretty committed to not giving a **** but not last night. Once I remembered I am on my own path to enlightenment and only God can judge, the tension melted away. I still have concerns about how I will get through this winter by utilizing non-pharmalogical methods only but will be back home with my husband in dog in one week! I think this will help immensely. Anyway, that's off my chest and if you can relate, know you're not the only one.

Tori

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